The secret hand book of Moms

Have you ever had a discussion with your friends where you are talking about the impossibilities your mom used to threaten you with as a child and have the entire gang go,’ I KNOW!!!!’? Or gone to a friend’s place and found that her mom nags her exactly the way your grandmom does, though her mom is saying it in hindi while your gran used to harangue you in Malayalam? I always used to wonder how is that moms’ across the country have the same idea. I kinda dismissed it as a common cultural thing ( though to be very honest there is little else similarity between my gran and Parvinder Aunty).

But as the world started to get smaller and my views broader (thanks to cable tv and books.. later internet), I could not help noticing that putting aside language, moms’ across the world nag/threaten/cajole/pet saying pretty much the same thing. Growing up( in my household), the ultimate prophesy of doom was that you’d end up a sweeper if you don’t study. And as a child I never really understood why it was so bad because it seemed a blithe enough an existence to do nothing but sweep. I thought you’d be getting off easy rather than studying another 4-5 years to be an engineer or doctor.

Years later, after 4 years of engineering, part of a new batch of trainees for an I.T company I found myself surrounded by people from all 4 geographies of India. That was one of the best times of my life, to be part of that training, especially the batch I was put in. For a whole lot of girls that was the first time they were away from home, but no one was home sick. Boys and girls would sit late into the night playing off key anthaskari, ‘truth or dare’ at 4 in the morning on unsuspecting and extremely sleepy people leading to hilarious consequences. And of course, marathon conversations which covered everything under the sun, including moms. And it was there that I found replace ‘sweeper’ with ‘chaprasi’ or ‘cooking lady’ in another language and you have more or less got someone else, or rather everyone’s mom! :-/

And reading Amy Tan’s books, you really wonder if she actually talking about Chinese moms or Indian moms coz you really can’t see the difference.

It can’t be sheer coincidence, right? Moms across the world? Only one thing sounded plausible to me. Like the bible, there’s yet another book which has practically been translated into every language known : the secret handbook of moms. I believe as soon as  someone is known to be a mom, some guardian of the code comes and gives her a book under oath that it not to be shared with anyone who is not a mother. It’s a mass conspiracy I tell you. Mothers around the world, united in their cause to shape up someone worth leaving behind. Not that it’s not a worthy cause, but does the ends justify the means? Was so convinced, that I did a mini raid in my house for the book because if any mom is likely to forget where it is and misplace it( or think that she did), it’s my mom!! But the fact that I could not find din’t detract me, in fact it only convinced me the deviousness and ruthlessness with which the organisation works. It fact I think that there is only one copy of the book in every language and that the new mom has to memorise the whole thing before passing it on. You can ask me how is that possible in the day and age of population explosion, but I ask you, is it really that difficult in the day and age of internet??

But to be honest I don’t think it’s a online copy. I think it’s hard copy, a physical thing infused with the power of moms over the ages. It’s probably more like an infectious magical entity. I’m not entirely sure how to imagine an object encapsulating all the wisdom of all the moms. It has to be awe inspiring to the point of being just a wee little frightening while still remaining a thing of great beauty. Kinda like Aslan the lion from Narnia.Something which would disintegrate if touched by anyone who doesn't hold the awesome kind of love and heart that only a mother would have. ( Try breaking that code, Hackers!!)

But then again, with kids like me, I think they would need all the help in the world :-) And only the collective wisdom would rein in and reign over my kind!End of the day, we love our moms ( in fact, if I go home and they don't nag I feel out of place!)

and hope we are half as good as the ones we've had and there's actually a hand book to help us out!

What do you think?!

Musings on 'The Opposite of Fate'

Reading Amy Tan's The opposite of Fate. So far, Love it.*

I have read the Joy Luck Club but fortunately or unfortunately I saw the movie and as it happens often with the order of movie-then-book, the celluloid imagery blocked a large portion of my own visuals/imagination from being created. So there was not much to compare. I remember that the movie was well made and the book, well written. So in a way, this is my first taste of Tan in writing.

This is drastically different from her fiction, because the voice and the context is quite clearly American[ and she keeps insisting that she's an American writer and not a Chinese American one] and there are few situations which are not doled out with heaps of humour, irrespective of when she's talking about. I love the fact that bits and pieces of what she's written seems to have been taken out from her dairy. The tone is almost conspiratorial, like she's sharing moments or disclosing secrets with a close friend, you the reader.

And I love what she writes about. About being a cynical ghost believer to a rock band member. And the trials and tribulations of being the American daughter of a Chinese Mother. While custom wise, China and India are poles apart, cultural reasoning [ by that I mean the reasons behind a particular custom/cultural icon etc] is quite similar. And for that reason I'm able to identify with her, because I've heard my own versions of ills befalling a disobedient girl from my mother/grandmother.

But what I like best about the book is that she openly admits that she writes for herself. Least reading the essays, I had a feeling that she's someone who writes for herself and even if her first book had not got publlished or worse, not got read, she would still have written the rest.

When I write, I write for me more than anything else in the world. Communicating what I have to say is only part of the story, it's far more important that I have a clear idea of my thoughts and emotions, and writing helps me to do just that. I have to give it form and structure, a flow and all of it makes it so much more tangible which in turn helps to clarify who,what,where I am.

Whenever I have told this to someone, they exude displeasure which conveys what I'm doing is selfish and that's not how it's supposed to be. I've always been of the opinion only of you write for yourself will you be most dispassionate and give the most honest opinion you have. Else we'd be trying to adjust or compromise our opinion to fit in some way to the other person. Somehow that she writes for herself first and everyone else second gave me a sense of validation. Maybe validation is the wrong word.. I think it's more of ..ummm.. finding a kindred spirit. That's a unique feeling when you find someone ; a touch of relief mingled with joy, perhaps not just in knowing that you are not the only one, but because in it's own way it's you finding the common thread, a wisp, that runs though the soul of the universe as well. Least that how I feel when I come across someone who knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Anyways, That's about the sum of things on Tan.
Take care


*Finished it too. Still Fabulous! :-D