Thank you 2012! And Hi 2013 :-D

WHOA... Did another year just fly by? Was it just a year 'coz it felt like a lifetime!! Looking back at my last post in 2011 it looked like things could not change any more. Clearly 2012 was not gonna be shown up a year that was so last year! ;-) So I went on another roller coaster ride, even more terrifying with the kind of ups and downs which makes you feel like your face is gonna get blown away in the momentum! But I survived. Actually, No. I did better than survive. I got crushed, bruised, had a few of my emotional teeth knocked out. But with a lot of help from my friends and family, I got up, brushed off the dirt and the best part, laughed about it. And boy, was it hard! But boy, was it so worth it!

So this last post is for all kickass people who helped me smile! This post is for a big, Big, BIG

I have no idea whom to start with, so in random order...

Chinch - Sweetie, you are a hundred miles away but I love you for the fact that you are always reachable and always there. For being both the comfort and the sharp reminder to keep strong and move on.


Annie Mathew :  I think the most of what I said about Chinch applies to you too. Then again I'm not surprised both of you being birthday twins!! :) Of course, you are your own brand of 'pat and whack' but I know I could not have done it without you!

Chinnu and Elu : For just being the mad cap sisters you are. For the times you never realise how much energy and joy you bring into a room. For the times you never realise how much it means to me.

Akhila : :(  Who'll understand my half sentences? Who'll make me kanji-paiyer when I'm sick and make me feel pampered? Who'll.. never mind.. you know how long that list is. I'm just incredibly glad we had the time we had together. God, I'll miss you. So freaking much!!!

Maria: I don't think you know how much of a role model you are to me. In a world where there doesn't seem to be a lot of people who you can look up to and want to be like, I'm just so happy I have you!

For the Blore Boys, ie Renju and Mani : We are not the closest of friends and we don't get to hang out as much either, but just knowing you guys, Mani with his forever enthu eloquence and Renju with his calm composed demenur, are around the corner if ever we needed help was an unbelievable reassurance.  Something I'll sorely miss :(

Eapen : It means a hell lot to me that I have talked it out with you and we are friends again. Maybe I'll never get back my best friend again, but you are pretty great as just a friend and I would hate to lose that. So thank you!

Vijay : For making me laugh about all the complicated relationship statuses and situations; for keeping my sanity and the countless hours of advice, both useful and useless. For just being a friend I'm really proud to have!

My out of towner boys ie Peppy, Thiru and Don : My sunshine!! The boys who can't help me but make me smile like mad no matter how down I'm feeling. Pretty please, stay the same with the annoying (yet secretly delightful) ways always!!

Bobby Uncle and Lourdsy Aunty : For being the sweetest, kindest and most understanding people I know. For raising kids who are an absolute joy to know and to love!

Uncle G and Teena Ammayi : For the fact that you reached out even when you were abroad. For the fact that you reached out and helped me feel like I'm not alone. For reaching out and bridging gaps when certain bull-headed people were being, well, bull headed! :)

Amma : Well, for being everything you been, even the time I dint couldn't see it or appreciate it. I just don't have the words to thank you enough.

Alex : hmmm... this is a tough cookie. So I'm gonna steal something which pretty much says what I have to say. It's from "As Good as It Gets",  one of my all time favorite movies! And I love the scene with Jack Nicholson when he takes Helen Hunt out for a real date, because I think This is how I feel pretty much all the time when I try to say something nice. And in case you were wondering, I'm Nicolson! :-)



Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true. 
Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful. 
Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... all right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills. 
Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me. 
Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.



And Last and Most Importantly, I want to thank God! For having given me these people in my life! There's not enough words to express my gratefulness for all that's been 2012, the good ,the bad and the ugly!

And I Pray and Hope 2013 is so much more!

Wish you all a fantastic year ahead! Yet another year choke full of memories and stories.

But I Digress... (or better known as "My experiments with theater")

I had done a procenium theater course about a year back and these are my take aways on the same. We were guided though the process by Rajesh and Shibu. Rajesh is a garrulous, larger than life, rolly-poly person while Shibu seemed more like his alter ego with a more stern and taciturn outlook on life. The course was open to all and so we were a bunch of students, both degree and post grad, IT professionals, house wives; a cycling enthusiast and an economic major, both looking to find/explore what life has to offer.. quite an eclectic bunch to come together. People we were unlikely to come across in the normal routine of our lives. This is a small excerpt from that particular chapter of my life.

It's a rather long one, but hopefully engaging enough and wont put you to sleep :) :-P

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I thought of least 50 ways of starting this but I crumpled up each of them and threw it in the dust bin. Ok, fine, I back spaced them out!

Not my school, but close enough to the kind of antics
that I remember being presented

I thought of starting out with my initiation into theater: as audience. All those skits and plays, amateur, played out during all the school functions. Armed with nothing more than a crisp script, impeccable timing and loads of enthusiasm they laid out the foundation for my understanding of what good theater ought to be- engaging, entertaining and an experience. Most of the successes of these plays were based on the fact that cast was always quick on their feet when one of them forgot their dialogs (or for any other common dramatic mishaps) rather than any real discipline or dedication to the medium.

My first profesionally done play: Oh God!

Courtesy: evamentertainment.blogspot.in

Next, about when I really feel in love with theater. Chennai was an eye opener in many ways, one of which was the theater going culture. My first ever play by professionals was from Evam, then a fledgling enterprise. The differences brought about by attention to details, like lighting, costume, sound, was apparent. Saw a lot plays after that; some good, some bad and worst of all, some forgettable. But as part of the audience I never realized the amount of work that goes into making a production- Into creating the same experience for different audiences on different days in different cities. That realization came about when I was lucky enough to be part of Evam for a month or so. Helping them out with the mundane details like marketing and ticketing, which go a long way in creating the experience, gave me a glimpse of how a show is put up. About the expertise needed in planning out the lighting for the entire show or how integral sound is for creating the mood etc.

During my time with Evam, I came across a lot of actors and theater personalities. Fun as they were they seemed overly exaggerated . In the sense their actions seemed louder- they seem to laugh a little more, sulk a little more. Did gestures of the stage leave it’s impressions on their personality when off it too? But I digress.

Thought about the how I came to make my decision to join proscenium. I had seen the same mail last year but I wasn’t sure. Truth be told, the course seemed too expensive and I dint know how it would be a value addition for my course( unfortunately doing an MBA makes one think of Return on Investment for everything in life!!). But with college days running out on me, I realized this might be the last time I’ll get an opportunity coupled with time to indulge in it. It was an effort to break my own inhibitions of taking on more an one thing at a time.

Went and spoke with Rajesh. For one he seemed to reinforce the idea I had about theater people. Actually just watching him selling the idea to us was a show by itself. He told us how it could possibly change us, what a value addition it would be. Truth be told I dint buy it, but I decided to take the plunge anyways! So, last November, I let me splurge on myself.

Thankfully it was not an indulgence. It was every bit of a learning experience as any of my subjects I had for MBA. In fact for the amount of time I spent there, the growth, the realizations- invaluable. It was, after all, an investment! But I digress.

My sentiment exactly!

My first class. Early morning at 6.20am! I dint even realize life could start at such hours leave alone have classes. But I somehow managed to get there on time, though bleary eyed and still half asleep. Started it off with the exercises. Well, that got me going, loosening up the muscles. Seemed silly with the car noises and buzzing like bees. Rajesh explained that it was to open up our vocals and warm up.

But it triggered off something. Now I realize it opened up more than our vocals. For me, it opened up the possibility of being like a child. Being open to possibilities and pulling out the long forgotten talent that as kids we used for all those imaginary pirate raids and playing princesses. It was liberating and I think buzzing like the bee is my favorite part of the exercise.

Also like the fact that we were just thrown together, initially about 7 and later 12, and asked to collaborate to create something out of an almost diaphanous idea. I quite clearly remember being asked to create alphabets on our own using our bodies and then all of a sudden asked to form a word. We were given a couple of minutes and somehow we just pulled together. Put aside was the inhibitions we have when we interact with people we don’t know. I like the fact that Rajesh just pushed us, without seeming to, to let go and connect with people on the go. Now it makes so much sense, the final feedback after classes from each person. It was not just for him, but a chance for us to know each other, the thought processes than make each one of us.

I remember having only one class with the playback group. Again, pushing us out of our comfort zones. We had become comfortable with the people in the proscenium and so throw in about a new set of 15 or so to mix it up. Again it surprised me how remarkably easy it was to work with someone I dint know at all. Maybe it had something to do with the setting where people were in a place where we left our inhibitions by the lift door. But somehow that one interaction was enough to create a familiarity we usually reserve for people we see every day. It is too bad that we took up the baggage on our way out. World would be so much better if we just gave people a chance before we let first impressions prejudices color our interactions. But I digress.

Another class I have vivid memory about is the 'low class' and 'high class' concept. We were given roles which were differentiated by who is superior to whom. The 'low class' person would be bending and 'high class' person would tower over them. I remember it very clearly because I had a realization about myself that day. I was so intensely uncomfortable being one among the crowd, following the herd and obeying the unspoken rules. It made my skin itch, the bending down and sticking together. It gave me a lot to think about that day. Not just about myself, but how society works. Saw it in a new light, the interactions we have daily. How when we need help from the plumber or the taxi driver how the roles change, making them the ones in control of the situation. Awareness about the layers we assume or are blind to in life.

A class with Shibu about how we can modulate each sentence showed how limited my thinking can be. That there so many shades of meaning enclosed in a single line. Trying to find something more than what it means in the usual context was a tiring task. It felt a little odd at the time. But when I was working on my solo piece it all came back. How to change the texture of the piece so that you imbibe something new into it. And that’s the beauty of theater isn't it? Is that not why we go see the play rather than just read the script.

The same class we were asked to prepare our life time achievement speech as we would like it to be after 30 odd years or so. Yet another class I left with food for thought.

Unfortunately I missed the December classes thanks to exams. And miss the those morning classes I did. Missed getting up early enough to greet the morning sun, enjoying the morning chill invigorates your bones. Missed the warm up exercises and group interaction- because the morning classes used to make my day. Felt freer and seeing new colors and shades in what I had to learn that day.

Painting : Joy and Sorrow by Zhong Yang Hhuang
Poetry : Khalil Gibran

It was indeed a long December before I came back to the classes. The group had grown to 12 then. Some new faces, new people to learn from. And January was the beginning for a short pilgrimage- the solo piece. The moment I had heard we had to pick a piece which inspires or moves us I had my heart set on Khalil Gibran. I put in the least amount of thought into how I was supposed to present it. I’m glad about it now. Had I realized that we had to act this out on the stage I’m sure would have picked a far easier piece more, within the range of my modest talent. Then I would not have to struggle so much.Then I would not have learned as much. 

Sensual and diaphanous imagery, just like his poetry.
Painting by Khalil Gibran

Working with my solo piece was a struggle. There’s so much gravity in each of the words and there’s no characterization in the poem to mold into a person. But in a weird way it was also uplifting. The piece about joy and sorrow was one of my favorite out of his many poems. Memorizing the words was helping to reinforce them into my daily life. It helped to create a positive energy that I could channel into when I was having a bad day. Secondly, in trying to communicate the piece without being melodramatic, in trying to capture the essence was pushing my creativity and the acting itself was making me more aware of myself. Was growing and loving it!

Watching the others with their pieces also made me aware of the different perspective a single piece
can take up. Working with them on their pieces, just the random suggestions we would throw in helped to bond. It was so refreshing that we would suggest something and it was taken without the least amount of resentment. It also led to some interesting confessions and conversations later. I know I was always told never to judge a book by the cover but day in and day out I realised that I pass so many judgments even about people we know and care about.

One of my all time fave quotes!

So true. But I digress.. again!

Another journey was the group piece. Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach is my favorite book ever since I laid my eyes on it about a decade back. That story, rather fable, has inspired me in so many ways and helped to overcome road blocks so many times. And for the life of me I could not see how it would be adapted to stage. I was extremely skeptical how we would be able to pull it off without proper stage setting, props, costumes, lighting. It seemed an impossible task, or least a highly improbable task to pull off especially given that we had just 10 minutes to perform it in. And that is how I learned what a difference the director could really make. Hats off to Rajesh because I can’t see any other way we could have pulled it off with all the conditions in place. But then again, I’m a mere mortal and not a director!

Courtesy :artandcreativity-maree.blogspot.com

Another thing I liked about the piece was the fact that the input was mostly from the group. It was
not like we were puppets and we were a big part of how the show was made. It was our song and our
words. I loved the way it was shaped and molded together to give it life.

The group piece was a crazy journey- The disappearance of the different people and taking over their part, the lack of practice, the fooling around- Made me realize how difficult it was to get up a show. That it needs everyone to pull their weight. And it was my first experience being part of a show leave lone doing a lead. It was curious sensation. Not only do I have to aware of my lines and role but of everyone else’s on stage. In fact I realized we need to memorize everyone else’s as well, know their cues, entrances and exits. At the same time we need to immerse ourselves in our characters as much as possible. Not to lose track of both was like having heightened senses; the level of self awareness as well as of our surroundings had to be so much more.

Then there was how we were asked to move under Shibu’s direction for the solo piece. Changing the shape of the piece entirely put all of us off. But the experiment worked. Somehow each of us had to find the comfort zone quickly and work into it. A bit of discipline and dedication was required if we were to pull it off and I think we did!

Getting into a seagull’s skin was another experience. I could understand some of the lure of the stage. To let go of my personality and take on another was more fun than I had figured. Unlike the  Prophet, here was a personality, though of flesh bone and feathers, who I could relate to. A day dreamer, a bit like me.. a perfectionist, unlike me.. trying to convince to let go and feeling rejected, a feeling that would have universal identification with.

And in doing so I realized why theater people seem to have personalities a bit larger than life. Simply because they are more aware of everything around them; more than we are. I guess they are used to taking in more and giving out more out of life than we are. They laugh a little harder and a little louder because they can see the different shades of irony that the theatrically inexperienced eyes of ours can’t see. But let me not digress from what I was trying to say.

What I wanted to talk about was the epiphany I had when I was trying to think about creating a flow of the final document. I was worried that I was moving along so many lines, changing direction and talking about random realizations. That there is no clear cut, straight line of thought. But then it hit me,why should I? Isn't that what theater is.. a digression from real life? When we sign the social  contract, whether as part of the audience or as the performer, are we not promising to move away the rules that hold the rest of our life together? 

To explore whatever it is that presented no matter how strange or alien the idea is; Being part of an experience, growing and learning, opening up ourselves for other people to put in their thoughts, voices; the realization and epiphanies are crucial for theater to survive.

Movies and TV leave little room for our imagination because they don’t ask us to believe the white ball in the ceiling to be the moon; they show us the moon. They don’t ask us to pay attention to details, they zoom in to the details, or out as in convenient. But theater asks everyone present to be fully engaged and fully present.

And now I’m sad that this little digression in my life has come to an end. Hopefully everything that I have learnt and realized will go with me for some more time. And when, one fine day, I realize that I have forgotten them then, perhaps, I’ll come back for another!

-

Phil!