Blog fright!

Oh wait.. too late!

I have blog fright. It's not a blogger's block. Quite the opposite of it. There are words running amok, sentences screaming bloody murder for being cooped up inside, virtually under house arrest in my head. And yet, I'm scared to let them out on to the clean white slate of the compose sheet. Why? About the same reason most people are more scared of public speaking than death: the irrational and completely unproportional fear of potential self humiliation and embarrassment. Well, least that's the reason for stage fright. Blog fright also stems from an irrational and completely unproportional but slightly different fear. While I'm pretty certain that I'm not the only one afflicted I don't know if it's as common as stage fright. Either ways this post is both to get over it as well know for sure that I might not be the only dysfunctional blogger( in this particular aspect.. Of course I'm not the only one) in cyberspace.

Yep, looks like a blog I know

Keeping a blog, it's a bit like keeping a gold fish for a pet- relatively low maintenance but you still need to feed it regularly and occasionally it's also healthy to change the water. Most blog die because people don't have enough time/creativity to dedicate to keeping one alive. Or least that's what's tooted around and the statistic does hold true for a good number of deaths. But I don't buy that can be the only reason. Some deaths can be blamed on blog fright as well- the fear of being known.

It's ironic that the very reason you started the blog might be the end of it. True, there are some private blogs whose notes and thoughts accessible to none but the creator. It might be possible you created it for convenience's sake compared to lugging around a diary and a pen. And yes to a million other reasons why you din't create one in the secret hope of anyone who's ever penned anything- that posterity might prove you right if not now and you are/were brilliant. That the world will shuffle through your mundane dreams and hopes and hit pay dirts of wisdom. Well, it worked out rather well for Anne Frank so why not for you, right?  

Whether you admit it or not, you write for the sole reason to give and communicate some permanence to your thoughts. The need to imprint ourselves on others,something more than our share of genes, is hardwired into us. Else, whisper it to the wind. Why else do you stain the pristine white with scratches of black (ink)?! But the permanence has meaning only if they are alive and for words to live they need to be read and shared. 

Though in all fairness, whatever secret megalomania we may harbour deep within ourselves, in reality we bloggers are humbled the moment we start because we realise when we finally write it down it is quite mundane and are quite overwhelmingly grateful when someone likes a post. 

Anyways, where were we? Oh yeah, the need for some permanence though writing. So we write to reach out and pass on bit of ourselves. And a couple of people ( mostly friends and family) read it, comment on it... some even like what you wrote. We get our kick and feel quite validated. It's all hunky dory so far. Then all of a sudden some of us get blog fright. Let me see if I can break it down to what it is.

Those dark stains we leave of ourselves.

The problem starts when we want to write something more personal and intimate. Not because the content or what we want to say is something controversial or anything, It's just something we have never told anyone because we thought it was too trivial or too random and occasionally more happy/dark/philosophical than some people expect out of you.  We hold back because suddenly we are wondering what will all those people think. Actually, no. It's not that we are bothered by what people will think as much as what people will know. Not because people will misunderstand, but precisely because it'll help people understand. 

Most people are scared of being misunderstood but this special breed of sane looking people are even more terrified of being understood. It usually afflicts those of us who are more closed in the real world but tends to be more forthcoming while writing. This usually happens because when we are communicating to the clean white sheet,  we have the perfectly non-committal and perfectly non-judgmental ear to our wisdom/follies. Wish people, even the ones who love and cherish us, could be so non-judgmental.

I know.. So emo kid! :-P

Keeping aside my wish for an unblemished humanity, the unflinching honesty with which we write doesn't always make for happy writing and sometimes, for an unhappy reading. What do you do in these situations? This is usually the start for blog fright. The more practical lot will choose to edit it and draw up the post with the acceptable lines of ourselves and spend the rest of the time rationalizing the lack of honesty as perhaps poetic license(?). The more unreasonable lot will be torn between facing the consequences of honesty ( and the corresponding acceptance or un-acceptance) and letting the post dwell in that dusty place called 'Drafts' rather than be faced with the terrifying possibility of being understood. 

I guess the main fear of being understood is perhaps we fear being predictable. If all our motivations are understood then what mystery will be left? Or maybe because we are not sure where the line is between the mundane and the monstrous. And finding out where we lie, on which side of the line, is something we really don't want to know because both are equally chilling. What ever your subconscious reason is, once these thoughts creep in, it seems almost impossible to click that 'Publish' button. That's when you realise you have fully manifested a case of 'Blog fright'! And there seems no cure in sight either.

SIGH!
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'After Earth' quote.

I wrote this sometime in the space between last year when I was in the middle of  blog fright. Like most  irrational fears it can be vanquished if faced, or well, as in this case written about. I wish I had written it to completion because looking back, it all seems so funny! And hopefully it helps some other frightened blogger to realise that s/he is not alone! And hopefully this is the last time I get a bout of the fright!

Take care,
Phil and his muse! :)